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Feeling lucky?

15 Feb

Wow, I can’t believe I haven’t posted in WEEKS! Not that I’ve been particularly busy, but I did start a new job. I’m also taking tennis lessons now, just FYI.

So while I’ve been away, Pete has had a rash of bad luck.

Here’s what’s happened to the poor guy:

– Got sick in Mexico (you can read about that here)
– Went to the doctor when we got home. Passed out at the office of said doctor. (Although the female doctor, nurse and secretary all rubbed his back and fed him bananas, pretty much his dream come true.)
– Went on antibiotics for upper respiratory infection
– Car battery went dead outside his favorite Mexican restaurant, Allende
– Car got broken into several days later (the mistress upstairs broke the news to him)
– Burned his eyeballs with my sister’s contact solution during the big blizzard and had to miss work

I, on the other hand, have had some very good luck, thanks to the kindness of strangers.

As you all know, Chicago got slammed by a huge blizzard a few weeks ago. I decided it would be a good idea to drive, completely unprepared for the extreme weather, one day later. BAD IDEA.

Not a good day for a drive.

Well, needless to say, I got stuck in the alley behind my apartment building. I was freaking out big time and did not know how I was going to get myself out. I noticed a guy in the lot next door with a snow blower. I asked if he had a shovel I could use to dig myself out. He let me borrow a shovel, but that’s not all — this baby angel of a man dug out the wheels of my car, pushed my car out of the snow and drove it into my spot.

And I repaid him by accidentally breaking his shovel in half. Oops! I offered to buy him a new one, but he said all he wanted was a hug. So I hugged him and he was very sweaty, but that’s OK.

As he walked away, he shouted out, “Just remember – your car rules the snow – not the other way around.”

And I never saw him again.

Wow.

My next bout of good luck came at the most unlikely of places – it’s called Best Buy and I’m pretty sure it’s run by Satan. I swear, they hire the most incompetent, idiotic, pimply kids to work there. A Best Buy customer service representative once suggested I sell my broken camera cord on ebay. WHY WOULD I SELL A BROKEN CAMERA CORD??????

But I digress. So I have an auxiliary cord in my car for my iPod and it was getting old and wasn’t working right. I needed a new one. Which meant I had to call Satan’s Palace, i.e. the Best Buy on Clark. I was really dreading this whole process.

But then I met this baby angel installer who was SOO nice (he was actually the same guy that helped me a few years ago and stayed late to help me when I got stuck in traffic on my way home) and didn’t charge me at all for labor, just $8.99 for the new cord. I was in and out of there within 15 minutes. Mission accomplished.

I still hate Best Buy, just for the record, but I do love that one guy.

And these are just two reasons I remain optimistic in mankind.

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New Years Eve: An Illustrated Event

4 Jan

How was your New Year’s?

Oh wow, that sounds cool. Here’s how mine went down:

I spent the holidays at my parents in the burbs. So in the morning, I got my nails done with my mom and Sister Caroline and Sister Didgie. Sister Anna was too feeble and sleepy to make the trip, just like Colin from the Secret Garden.

Anna feeling too sleepy and feeble to get her nails did

After leaving the nail salon with FABULOUS sparkly purple fingernails, we promptly convinced my mother that we were STARVING for breakfast at Northfield Diner and we’d just DIE if we couldn’t eat cheese omelettes.

After breakfast at Northfield Diner, we convinced my mother that we were PARCHED for coffee at Starbucks and we’d just DIE if we couldn’t drink venti non-fat vanilla lattes to wash down our omelettes.

Then we made a pit stop at the dry cleaners. There is a mean lady who works there and she looks like this:

Mean lady at the cleaners a.k.a. Ludo from Labyrinth

When we finally got back to my parents, we attempted to wake up Sister Anna from her deep slumber. This is what she looked like:

Anna in the morning

I finally made it back to the city in the late afternoon and got ready to go. I put on spanx and control-top panty hose, and with my fat firmly vacuum-sealed into my gut, I was ready to head out the door at 3:50 p.m. Unfortunately, our New Year’s extravaganza didn’t start until 6:30 p.m., so I watched YouTube videos until my friends Karen and Sam came over a few hours later. Here’s what I watched to get me in the mood for New Year’s:

The party we went to at a banquet hall on the Northwest side was AWESOME! See how much fun I’m having with Adam, Pete’s roommate:

Aren't we cute???

We danced, ate great Italian food, drank some alcohol (but not too much) and laughed a lot. And I’m pretty sure the guy sitting next to me was Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds (and it wasn’t Pete – it was the guy sitting on the other side of me):

An Ogre at my table?

It was definitely a fun day. Things I’m looking forward to in 2011 include my upcoming trips to Mexico and Ireland with Peter! And don’t worry – I’ll definitely be blogging your eyes off this year!!!

Lies, deceit and other things I love

12 Nov

Meet Monica, Pete's new neighbor

Ok, this is a serious breaking news alert.

There is a real-life MISTRESS living in Peter’s building.

I know. Shocking.

Our story begins this past summer, when the nice couple living in the baller penthouse of Peter’s building moved to Washington D.C., leaving a vacancy in the $2,400 per month apartment. This place is like, my dream apartment. Lots of light, two stories, a dining room — I mean, totally amazing.

But that was before the apartment was tainted by lies and sexual deviance.

In mid-July, we see a 20-something woman begin to move her stuff in. She’s short and cute, in a punk-ish way, with dyed black hair, a gap in between her front teeth and lots of tattoos.

We introduce ourselves to her and her “boyfriend” later that day as they move boxes in from his Lexus SUV. I guess we just immediately assume they’re moving in together, especially as we learn that she’s a nursing student. With no job.

“I don’t know how I feel about this place,” the boyfriend tells us. “It’s so big for one person. But she says she’ll have the dogs to keep her company.”

WAIT A SECOND. One person?? As in she’s living there alone?? How can a student, with no income, afford a $2,400 rent???? Something smells fishy.

I report the story to my dad later that day.

“She’s the other woman” my dad said.

No way, I thought. I mean maybe her parents are rich or her boyfriend is just helping her out until she finishes school. Just because the situation is odd doesn’t mean he’s cheating. Right?

WRONG.

How do I know? Well, Paul, who used to live above Pete, was talking to Trish, who owns the penthouse and…. well, you get the picture. Anyways, it’s been confirmed that she is indeed a mistress.

I called my dad tonight to tell him he was right.

“Remember that girl I was telling you about that lives above Pete?” I said.

“Um-hmm. Prostie.”

“No dad, not a prostitute, you said she was a mistress. You were right!”

“I was? Ha!”

This is the first real-life mistress situation I’ve ever been privy to, but I saw a story like this on Lifetime once when I was 13. This woman totally had it made – her sugar daddy set her up in a sweet house and paid for everything for her and her daughter. But one day, he died when they were having sex together because he was old and disgusting and had terrible Karma and probably deserved to die.

Anyways, she’s not taken care of in the will, because she’s a mistress and all, so she’s super poor and doesn’t know what to do with her life, since living a life of lies and deceit is all she’s ever known. So she’s forced to hook up with another disgusting old man and then become his mistress.

At this point in the movie, my mom walks into the room and made me and my sister Didgie turn off the TV.

“You know what the moral of the story is, girls?” she asked us. “Get a job so you don’t have to have sex with old men!” She literally yelled that last part.

But I think the moral of the story is that once you start mistress-ing yourself out, there’s no turning back. It’s a one-way road to hell, ladies and gentleman. A one-way road to hell.

Here’s another Lifetime movie that looks pretty good, this time with Tori Spelling:

And so the torture begins…

20 Sep

In approximately seven hours, I will pull my tired butt out of bed and head to Diversey Harbor for my first Bulldog Bootcamp class. I’M SO NERVOUS! I got a four-week fitness pass on Groupon and this is totally going to hurt.

I was reading reviews on Yelp, and one girl complained that her friend fell and hurt her elbow and the drill sergeant just stood over her yelling for her to get up. OMG that is terrible! (Note to self: Do not fall in bootcamp unless you want to cry in bootcamp.)

Last week, I received a three-page list of rules and regulations from “Sgt. Friday”, including (emphasis his):

“- I hate tardiness & is NOT tolerated. There are consequences for the entire class when one person is late. When you’re late you interrupt me as well as the entire class.

– We only meet 3x/wk, so make sure you do your best to get here for every class. THERE ARE NO MAKE UP CLASSES BEYOND YOUR SESSION. The class you signed up for is the class you NEED to attend.

– Counting in my class is MANDATORY, not optional. Therefore, if your counting is not up to my standards during class, you will either repeat the whole exercise OR some other punishment will follow!”

OMG I’m always late for everything!!! It’s a disease, I swear I can’t help it! What if I’m late one day and then all the other bootcampers get really mad and pelt me with their “MANDATORY” water bottles!!!!

But luckily, I’m really good at counting out loud. I always do it at the gym even though the stairmaster guy gives me the evil eye every time.

In other news, I spent my weekend watching the below YouTube clip. The funny thing is, I have a feeling I look just like this kid when I sing in the car.