Lies, deceit and other things I love

12 Nov

Meet Monica, Pete's new neighbor

Ok, this is a serious breaking news alert.

There is a real-life MISTRESS living in Peter’s building.

I know. Shocking.

Our story begins this past summer, when the nice couple living in the baller penthouse of Peter’s building moved to Washington D.C., leaving a vacancy in the $2,400 per month apartment. This place is like, my dream apartment. Lots of light, two stories, a dining room — I mean, totally amazing.

But that was before the apartment was tainted by lies and sexual deviance.

In mid-July, we see a 20-something woman begin to move her stuff in. She’s short and cute, in a punk-ish way, with dyed black hair, a gap in between her front teeth and lots of tattoos.

We introduce ourselves to her and her “boyfriend” later that day as they move boxes in from his Lexus SUV. I guess we just immediately assume they’re moving in together, especially as we learn that she’s a nursing student. With no job.

“I don’t know how I feel about this place,” the boyfriend tells us. “It’s so big for one person. But she says she’ll have the dogs to keep her company.”

WAIT A SECOND. One person?? As in she’s living there alone?? How can a student, with no income, afford a $2,400 rent???? Something smells fishy.

I report the story to my dad later that day.

“She’s the other woman” my dad said.

No way, I thought. I mean maybe her parents are rich or her boyfriend is just helping her out until she finishes school. Just because the situation is odd doesn’t mean he’s cheating. Right?


How do I know? Well, Paul, who used to live above Pete, was talking to Trish, who owns the penthouse and…. well, you get the picture. Anyways, it’s been confirmed that she is indeed a mistress.

I called my dad tonight to tell him he was right.

“Remember that girl I was telling you about that lives above Pete?” I said.

“Um-hmm. Prostie.”

“No dad, not a prostitute, you said she was a mistress. You were right!”

“I was? Ha!”

This is the first real-life mistress situation I’ve ever been privy to, but I saw a story like this on Lifetime once when I was 13. This woman totally had it made – her sugar daddy set her up in a sweet house and paid for everything for her and her daughter. But one day, he died when they were having sex together because he was old and disgusting and had terrible Karma and probably deserved to die.

Anyways, she’s not taken care of in the will, because she’s a mistress and all, so she’s super poor and doesn’t know what to do with her life, since living a life of lies and deceit is all she’s ever known. So she’s forced to hook up with another disgusting old man and then become his mistress.

At this point in the movie, my mom walks into the room and made me and my sister Didgie turn off the TV.

“You know what the moral of the story is, girls?” she asked us. “Get a job so you don’t have to have sex with old men!” She literally yelled that last part.

But I think the moral of the story is that once you start mistress-ing yourself out, there’s no turning back. It’s a one-way road to hell, ladies and gentleman. A one-way road to hell.

Here’s another Lifetime movie that looks pretty good, this time with Tori Spelling:


6 Responses to “Lies, deceit and other things I love”

  1. Mr. P November 12, 2010 at 5:16 am #

    What a shocking turn of events…but even more shocking is the question: How can a monkey ride a pig? Not just any monkey but a BABY monkey to boot. Don’t believe me America look at the video evidence yourself.

    • thisoldlife November 12, 2010 at 5:27 am #

      No!!! Not the baby monkey song again!!!!!

  2. Jon November 12, 2010 at 12:12 pm #

    • thisoldlife November 14, 2010 at 10:21 pm #

      HAHAHAHA Oh man I forgot about that one!


  1. Spotted: The Wicker Park Floozy « This Old Life - January 5, 2011

    […] living on the top floor of Pete’s apartment building was, in fact, a real-life mistress (see Lies, Deceit and other thing I love), she had been mysteriously absent from the building. Her car is never there and no one ever sees […]

  2. Life Updates « This Old Life - September 28, 2011

    […] The Wicker Park Floozy (see “Lies, deceit, and other things I love” for the full story) moved out of Pete’s old apartment building, according to neighborhood […]

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