The death of a daddy-long-legs

28 Sep

I was forced to commit homicide on Friday morning.

I had just come back from bootcamp and was about to get in the shower when I spotted a huge brown daddy-long-legs crawling up the side of the tub. First, I tried to drown it by splashing water in its direction. But that was taking too long so I grabbed a toilet brush and whacked it. Then I threw it into the toilet.

Then I crossed myself, said, “Amen,” and got into the shower. Which is weird because I haven’t been to church more than a dozen times in my whole life.

Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve felt this terrible guilt after I kill insects and especially when I toss their lifeless bodies in the toilet, so I always have to conduct a mini Catholic funeral before moving along with my life.

Every spring when I was in high school and college, we’d get this terrible ladybug infestation – there would be hundreds of them on the screens, crushed in the doors, I mean they were EVERYWHERE. Especially in the bathrooms, because they’d get in through the vents and congregate in warm spots on the ceiling.

So every day, my mom would walk around from bathroom to bathroom like a Nazi and kill dozens of ladybugs at a time with a Kleenex and throw them in the toilet.

When I would get home from school, I’d find all these dead ladybugs just floating there. How could I not feel guilty? I mean, I would feel awful if I knew someone I love had died and then their bodies were peed on. It’s just a horrible thought. So that’s when I started holding these mini insect funerals. It makes me feel better and I like to think that I’m helping them reach insect heaven by absolving them of all their sins.

Bootcamp is pretty much the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I can’t keep my eyes open after 10 p.m. anymore and I feel like an old lady. If I don’t lose 5 pounds, Sgt. Brooks is going to get some flutter kicks directed at a very specific part of his anatomy.


3 Responses to “The death of a daddy-long-legs”

  1. Anna September 29, 2010 at 1:16 am #

    i almost peed in my pants reading this. how have you successfully kept this ritual from us for so long? i had no idea.

  2. thisoldlife October 1, 2010 at 2:22 am #

    Hahah I don’t know Anna! Maybe it’s because we hardly ever go to the bathroom together?

  3. Mr. P October 1, 2010 at 4:02 am #

    Jewish girl feeling Catholic guilt…there’s some sort of joke to be made.

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