Archive | September, 2010

The death of a daddy-long-legs

28 Sep

I was forced to commit homicide on Friday morning.

I had just come back from bootcamp and was about to get in the shower when I spotted a huge brown daddy-long-legs crawling up the side of the tub. First, I tried to drown it by splashing water in its direction. But that was taking too long so I grabbed a toilet brush and whacked it. Then I threw it into the toilet.

Then I crossed myself, said, “Amen,” and got into the shower. Which is weird because I haven’t been to church more than a dozen times in my whole life.

Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve felt this terrible guilt after I kill insects and especially when I toss their lifeless bodies in the toilet, so I always have to conduct a mini Catholic funeral before moving along with my life.

Every spring when I was in high school and college, we’d get this terrible ladybug infestation – there would be hundreds of them on the screens, crushed in the doors, I mean they were EVERYWHERE. Especially in the bathrooms, because they’d get in through the vents and congregate in warm spots on the ceiling.

So every day, my mom would walk around from bathroom to bathroom like a Nazi and kill dozens of ladybugs at a time with a Kleenex and throw them in the toilet.

When I would get home from school, I’d find all these dead ladybugs just floating there. How could I not feel guilty? I mean, I would feel awful if I knew someone I love had died and then their bodies were peed on. It’s just a horrible thought. So that’s when I started holding these mini insect funerals. It makes me feel better and I like to think that I’m helping them reach insect heaven by absolving them of all their sins.

Bootcamp is pretty much the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I can’t keep my eyes open after 10 p.m. anymore and I feel like an old lady. If I don’t lose 5 pounds, Sgt. Brooks is going to get some flutter kicks directed at a very specific part of his anatomy.


And so the torture begins…

20 Sep

In approximately seven hours, I will pull my tired butt out of bed and head to Diversey Harbor for my first Bulldog Bootcamp class. I’M SO NERVOUS! I got a four-week fitness pass on Groupon and this is totally going to hurt.

I was reading reviews on Yelp, and one girl complained that her friend fell and hurt her elbow and the drill sergeant just stood over her yelling for her to get up. OMG that is terrible! (Note to self: Do not fall in bootcamp unless you want to cry in bootcamp.)

Last week, I received a three-page list of rules and regulations from “Sgt. Friday”, including (emphasis his):

“- I hate tardiness & is NOT tolerated. There are consequences for the entire class when one person is late. When you’re late you interrupt me as well as the entire class.

– We only meet 3x/wk, so make sure you do your best to get here for every class. THERE ARE NO MAKE UP CLASSES BEYOND YOUR SESSION. The class you signed up for is the class you NEED to attend.

– Counting in my class is MANDATORY, not optional. Therefore, if your counting is not up to my standards during class, you will either repeat the whole exercise OR some other punishment will follow!”

OMG I’m always late for everything!!! It’s a disease, I swear I can’t help it! What if I’m late one day and then all the other bootcampers get really mad and pelt me with their “MANDATORY” water bottles!!!!

But luckily, I’m really good at counting out loud. I always do it at the gym even though the stairmaster guy gives me the evil eye every time.

In other news, I spent my weekend watching the below YouTube clip. The funny thing is, I have a feeling I look just like this kid when I sing in the car.

“And this is my sister Igor.”

17 Sep

I did something really stupid over the weekend. Because I had done some day drinking for the Iowa-Iowa State game, I stayed in on Saturday night and decided to finish my Paris scrapbook. I went to Paris in 2003, so a scrapbook is long overdue, needless to say. I hovered over that darn scrapbook for about four hours – but I finished it!

Well, all that hovering hurt my back. Pretty bad. By the time Tuesday rolled around, I couldn’t even walk straight. I was at work thinking about what to do – if I should go home early or try to push through the day. Then I remembered my sister Caroline and the answer became clear.

My family drove to Niagara Falls a few weeks ago for my cousin’s wedding. We had a ton of fun on the trip, but it was a lot of driving. Caroline was curled up, leaning against the window during the Ohio to Canada leg of the trip and totally messed her back up.

I didn’t realize how bad it was until we were resting in the hotel room later that day.

I was reading my email when Caroline came out of the bathroom, walking in this weird side-step hobble, completely hunched over, swinging her arms unnaturally with every step in an attempt to gain momentum. I honestly can’t even fully describe it.

But it wasn’t just her posture that had changed – it was her whole personality.

“You clogged the toilet,” she said to me in a satanic, raspy voice.

“No I didn’t,” I said. “You just have to hold down the flusher for a second.”

Even though I was looking up at her, expecting a response, she never made eye contact – she just stared over my head for a second before scrunching just half of her face in this totally bizarre scowl like she was completely disgusted with me. Then she hobbled off, arms swinging even more wildly than before.

She didn’t even go back into the bathroom to flush the toilet, she just left.

So, sitting at my desk at work, I decided that there was a risk I might turn into Igor at any moment, and I needed to go home. I absolutely COULD NOT go into a meeting swinging my arms around and dragging my leg behind me. And I left two hours early.

Exciting weekend plans

16 Sep

This weekend I plan on doing nothing. Going home to my parents house in the suburbs, watching movies On Demand on their giant TV (you’re really a loser when you’re parents own more advanced technology than you do) eating mom’s leftovers and doing absolutely nothing.

Despite my agenda of laziness, I do plan on reading  The Story of Edgar Sawtelle by David Wroblewski, the new book I can’t put down. I’m only a little ways through, but there are a bunch of smart cutie-patootie dogs in it, so that’s enough to keep me hooked.

I just finished Transfer of Power by Vince Flynn for my Old Lady Bookclub. It’s not really called “Old Lady Bookclub” but I like to call it that because I’m the youngest person in the group by at least 20 years. The rest of the group loved it – I thought it was OK. Here’s my mini review:

“So I am really not a huge fan of political thrillers, but this one was pretty good. I have to admit, I skimmed a lot of the details regarding guns, bombs, etc. – but the plot moved along at break-neck speed. Note to author: Chicago public transportation is called the ‘L’, not the ‘Loop’. Oops!”

Is anyone else in favor of 2 p.m. naps at work? We could bring in yoga mats and juice boxes, it would be perfect!

My first post!

14 Sep

I’m very excited to announce that I am now an official blogger! Yay, let’s celebrate with  a little help from Ann Margaret (we went to the same high school so it seemed  appropriate).

A little about me: I split my time between a cubicle in the corporate world and an apartment I can’t afford in Chicago. I used to have to force myself to leave the apartment because I am very antisocial. Luckily, I now have a wonderful boyfriend, Pete, who forces me to leave the apartment because I am still very antisocial.

Pete and I have been together for 11 months and three days. I love him because he makes me laugh, even when I am very mad at him.

Just about everything I see entertains me and, in return, I hope I can entertain you with my random musings.